Draw your swords

Failure- That moment of hitting an all time low. Having your feet scrape the rough edges of rock bottom. 

What would have been one of my most enjoyable jobs since being in Shanghai quickly turned into one of the most heart-wrenching moments I have endured since being here.

I showed up at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel located right on the Bund. It was one of the most exquisite hotels I had ever stepped foot in. And I was going to be shooting here all day! I was basking in the beauty that surrounded me feeling truly inspired. Only to find out that I was shooting there for Elle!

Okay not the magazine but for their clothing line. Now in most cases when it's China that would be a knockoff name, but this was actually affiliated with the Magazine for I remembered doing the casting for it in the actual Elle China office. 

Not to mention this was no low budget job. Seeing as the hotel we were shooting in had Hermes soap.

Soap!

I was over joyed. Filled with bliss. It was drawing out to be the perfect day.

That was until the creative director showed up. He was your average 28 year old (I'm guessing) Chinese man. 

I smiled, introduced myself along side Luisa the other model from Romania. And he looks at me and says

"You got fat."

Right out. Blunt. To my face. In front of everyone. 

No hesitation.

"Excuse me?!" I blurted out.

I felt the skin break on the heels of my feet and they scrapped the rocks.

Bottom.

"This always happens to girls when they come to China, they come all skinny and then they eat Chinese food. It's a shame really."

"I don't eat Chinese food." I threw back at him.

And walked over to set to begin shooting. As you can imagine I was feeling really confident now.

Honestly. If I'm so "fat" then why the hell did you book me? Then why the hell am I'm easily fitting into your size 2 sample clothes? 

Later we were to shoot some underwear. 

Lovely.

I text my booker letting her know, for underwear catalogs pay more than regular. She replied saying I am not to do it for they weren't paying for that. So I let him know. After many phone calls and confusion my booker said go ahead and do it. So I did no questions asked. 

He comes up to me and says, "Are you sure you will do this? I don't want any problems, I want everyone happy and if you're not you don't have to."

"No", I smiled "I'm happy to."

At first I couldn't figure out why he was being so nice to me. It later hit me that he most likely thought I called my booker telling her I wouldn't do it because the asshole on set called me fat. 

Then he comes up to me and says "At Elle, a French company, we promote a healthy body image. So this is great" pointing to the photos.

Bull fucking shit.

If you want to promote a healthy body image maybe you shouldn't go around telling girls who are a size 2 they are fat. Thank god I am not one of the many 15 year old girls I have met over here who would immediately go to the toilet and throw up their breakfast. Because I'll admit when lunch came, I sure didn't want to eat. But luckily I had packed my own salad and while everyone else at chinese food,

 I proudly sat and ate my salad in front of him.

I love my body. I love who I am. I don't care if saying it comes across as conceded. I have a right to love myself, we all do. Because at the end of the day, this is all I've got. No materialistic items or people. Just my body and my soul. 

And if this guy thinks he will stop me by one bad comment he's got a whole other thing coming.

Just watch me.

In fact, thank-you. For you just added fuel to my fire. 

I hope you sleep well, because I know I am.

So what could have been my favorite job since being here quickly turned into the lowest point. And now instead of letting his words weigh me down, I will simply stand on his back as I climb to the next step on my journey.

Thanks for the lift pal.

Ky.xo