That's life.

I've always been the kind of person to bottle my emotions up until I reach a breaking point.

I found that point the other day.

I think the stresses of this job, my insecurities, being away from the people I love for 5 months along with getting multiple news of heart wrenching things going on back home, just pushed me over the edge.

I felt like I was in the wrong place. That for the sake of my own health both mental and physical and for the needs of my loved ones, that I needed to be home.

I suddenly felt like everything I was so sure of was suddenly taken from me. Whether it be relationships or things career wise. I felt like I was treading water and the island I was headed for kept looking further and further away.

 I just kept thinking why? After all this hard work and dedication is it so difficult for me now? When will any of this sacrifice pay off? 

The following morning I get a message from a fellow Vancouver photographer I had worked with who happened to be in China saying "I just bought some magazines in China, is this you!?"

Sure enough, low and behold there I was. 

Talk about a small world.

I knew the job I did was for Elle but they never mentioned it would actually be published. Had Alan not found it I never would have known. 

Then later that day I went out only to find my Fitness editorial had been published in this months Shape Magazine. 

I was also given the opportunity to reconcile with some people I hadn't talked to in a long time.

So as I took my evening stroll I just started to laugh to myself. Life sure has a funny way of throwing you down only to give you a glimpse of a sign to get back up and keep going. It'll never bend down and put you on your feet it's self. But sometimes if you look hard enough, suddenly that island you've been headed for looks a little bit closer than the day before.

And that's all I can ask for.

The only way to fail is if you give up.

And honey I'll be damned. 

Ky.xo

Divenire

Time is nothing to me now. Which in a way is great because time only flies when you are having fun. 

But it also frightens me that maybe I haven't taken enough time to stop and really appreciate this whole journey. 

I remember as a child thinking the drive to our camping ground was forever (which was about a 25 minutes...) and now for me it's like, "5 months away from home? That's nothing!" 

A part of me wishes that I could still see 25 minutes as a long time, for if that were the case life wouldn't seem to just pass you by.

Just take life by the 25 minutes in front of you. What happens next is irrelevant for the time being.

But regardless, it some how all has passed so quickly and in just over a week I shall be venturing back home to my lovely little town of trees and totems in order to figure out where my next steps shall lead. 

I honestly can not wait to get to sleep in real bed and not a single cot, or to have an oven and oh my goodness, not have to wear the same clothes from my suitcase that I have had for the past 5 months. 

(Stupid but you really appreciate a full closet...)

 It's also incredibly terrifying to think I have no idea what my next step is. One of, if not the hardest part of this job is that plans are always changing and you never really know what's going to happen next. 

Nothing is ever set in stone .

And for me at this point the next step is nothing but a black abyss waiting for me to step closer and peer my head inside.

It's thrilling and absolutely terrifying. 

But for now I'm going to try and not get too far ahead of myself and just focus on the present; enjoying my last few days here and once I'm home, go into a deep relax/detox mode. The rest will unfold in it's own due time. 

Ky.xo

Blazenstvo

"If you put a candle on the sun, it may be amidst the grandest of light, but it can not see the potential of it's flame. Only when you surround it with darkness will it have the chance to see it's full light"

While on a walk with my lovely room mate Sarah I told her this quote, which I summed up from a story I had heard in a podcast I was listening to. For some reason it struck both of us quite hard. 

I remember after I heard the full story I just sat and thought. 

I believe in passion and purpose. I believe I am finding mine. And as much as I don't think we ever fully know what our full purpose ever is, I do feel I'm headed in the right direction. 

This whole journey for me has been anything but smooth sailing. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs and set backs. But some how and some way, it has always worked out.

And after hearing that story it just kind of hit me, maybe this isn't supposed to be easy for me. Maybe I'm supposed to struggle in order to be able to show people regardless of what knocks you down it's still possible. 

I can say follow your dreams and never give up all I want, but who would listen to me if I had just been discovered somewhere and was walking for Chanel the following week. 

Instead I've pushed, I've worked and I've had to get myself to where I am now. And I'm still having to push and constantly give it my all. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Because I know when I do reach that point of my own success, it will taste that much sweeter for I will know it was my own blood sweat and tears that got me there. Not a hand that was extended and pulled me along. 

Adversity is there to give you strength. A ball can't bounce unless it hits the ground first. The harder the fall, the higher it soars. So any struggles or moments of defeat are there to only help raise us higher. Not to hold us down.

Alright, that's my vent for the evening

Ky.xo

ps. Follow your bliss....

Work hard, Play harder.

Oh Singapore.

That's all I really have to say...

Just kidding, as if that was all I ever have to say. But it really does sum it up quite nicely. My first two weeks in Singapore have been quite insane. I can easily and quite comfortably say I am madly in love with this place.

It's clean, it's beautiful and I've met amazing people.

Really what more could you need?

Work is slowly picking up and hopefully will continue to do so. 

Other than that I really don't have many complaints.

Okay so living with 13 people is a bit much.. (talk about dishes) but thankfully so far no one has drove me insane.

Then again, it has only been two weeks. 

Check back with me in a month about that one...

Hopefully things just continue to go upwards and onwards. 

I can already tell this is going to be a hell of a 2 months. 

Oh Singapore.

Ky.xo

"My skin is a fence just holding me in"

Thanks to the pollution in China my skin seemed have the hardest time adapting. I had experienced a similar problem when traveling to Tokyo. the extreme heat and air quality that is so different compared to BC took quite a toll. Not to mention the contaminated water in Shanghai didn't help. 

Even when you showered you still felt dirty. And you were to never ever drink it. 

That being said I don't understand why it was then okay to bath and wash with it, your skin is the largest organ, and it soaks everything you put on it into your body. So if we shouldn't directly drink it, why should we let it into your bodies in any other form?

Anyways with the combination of those things my skin took a hard toll, looking dull, red and broken out. Once I got to Singapore one of my biggest goals was to get my skin back on track. I knew the clean air and water would help but I didn't feel like waiting for that to kick in. So along with clean healthy eating I have now started to use an organic skin care brand called Sukin.

I believe in using organic products because as I said earlier our skin is our largest organ. What we put on it we put in our body. So harsh chemicals that are in so many skin care products are brought directly into our systems. Often taxing on our livers that then have to work to get them out. 

Sukin is a brand created in Australia that is dedicated to using natural organic elements that will help rejuvenate and refresh the look of your skin.

The foaming cleanser works great to clean my skin and get rid of the excess oil that builds up from the the make-up I wear all day combine with the heat that often leaves me lightly dewy. It uses Chamomile, Aloe Vera, Witch Hazel, Green tea with Macadamia and Evening Primrose Oils to purify and even your skin tone. And that's it. No added chemicals or ingredients that you need a chemistry degree to understand. 

I love the Hydrating Mist Toner because you can use it at any point. After cleansing or over make-up for a refreshing and hydrating boost. It uses Chamomile and Rose-water for a gentle yet refreshing way to wake-up your skin.

The moisturizer is to die for. It makes my skin look and feel incredible. And works wonderfully as a base before make-up. I find I use less of my tinted moisturizer if I put this on first for it helps to even my skin tone. I could go on forever about all the good things in here but I'll list the best and most important, it contains: Aloe Vera, Rosehip Oil, Jojoba, Avocado Oil, Shea, Lavender, Vitamin E, Cocoa butter and so on. Not to mention is smells amazing. 

At night I tend to use a more heavy duty moisturizer for I have incredibly dry skin. Instead I use pure Rosehip Oil. And it works WONDERS. Known for its ability to combat wrinkles and mend acne scars, Rosehip is something I suggest to everyone. Sukin offers an incredible rosehip oil though I already had it before trying these products. When I use the rosehip oil at night I wake up with my skin glowing. It will forever be a permanent part of my beauty regime.

The facial scrub is a must have, for we should always exfoliate 2-3 times a week. If not more. In order for me to get rid of this pesky red acne build up I exfoliate almost every other day. I love that this in gentle and doesn't irritate my skin but still gets rid of the dead skin cells. It uses Aloe Vera, Bamboo, Jojoba, Rosehip Oil, Walnut shell and Chamomile. And also smells amazing.

And as an added bonus they also have a natural deodorant which has become a lifesaver in this extreme climate I'm in. It has a light sent that doesn't over power and works to eliminate bacteria. The best part is you can spray it anywhere that may need refreshing (like the back of my neck when my hair has been down) unlike your typical stick deodorant. Plus no white marks on your black t-shirt, Score!

My skin is still far from where I would like it to be, but with it only being 4 days of using these products I am already thrilled with the results and can't wait to see their long term effects.

 Be sure to check out their website for a full list of products and yes it is available in Duncan and Vancouver! The site has a list of distributors available. 

http://www.sukinorganics.com/

Ky.xo

Feel the tide turning.

One chapter has come and drawn to a close. 

My time in Shanghai will be one I shall never forget. 

The lessons I learnt there have helped to pave the path I plan to take forward. It helped me realize things I want, and things I sure don't.

If anything I am most thankful for the people I met there. Some, I hope will continue to be life long friends.

 I try and take something away from every person I meet. Everyone has something to share. And being surrounded by such a diverse group of people I really feel like I've learnt so much from them. And with every piece I take away, I feel as though it helps secure me into who I really am and where I want to go. 

And if nothing else, I hope the people I have met have gained something from me. Whether it be knowledge I have passed on, even about the most mundane of things, or simply a new friend. 

Shanghai came with many ups and downs. And some surprising twists. 

I was shocked at how little home sickness I felt. For when most people go to China, they get a bad case of the home bug. But I think the fact I was just so happy to finally have a contract and be around good people, I just wouldn't let myself go there. I knew this is what I wanted. I wasn't going to let missing home ruin it. 

As I said before I was incredibly pleased with the people I met and the many adventures I got to go on in our spare time. Those moments will be the ones I shall never forget.

But the lows of Shanghai were definitely the filth, the stench and the rude behavior that no matter how long I lived there I would never get used to. Nor should one want to. We really are spoiled in Canada. And you can't truly appreciate it until you have been somewhere that is such a high contrast. 

And so with China at a close I can down take out a fresh sheet, dab my pen and start a new journey here in Singapore.

The difference here is like night and day. It's clean, quiet, safe and respectful. The people are friendly, the air smells sweet. Oh and you can drink the tap water (hallelujah!) 

I can already tell I'm really going to enjoy it here. I can't wait to get out there, get lost and get cultured. 

I hope you're ready for me Singapore!

Ky.xo

Nuvole Bianche

Decisions have never been my strong suit. Either I don't care enough to have a strong opinion, or I'm too scared to make the wrong choice that I just shut down and wait for someone to tell me what's right. 

Learning to listen to my gut has taken some time but I have learnt it is always right.

Originally, as I had posted on Facebook,etc that I was hoping to travel until December.

Going to Singapore after Shanghai and then back to Tokyo. 

I was thrilled but something wasn't sitting quite right. I wasn't all too pleased with the agency wanting me in Tokyo. 2 years ago I had been there with a small agency and as much as I made money and worked a ton, I like to know that I have grown, and that I've taken a step up since then. 

I didn't want to go back unless I knew I was doing better. 

And in this case, I didn't feel this agency was. 

I was hoping to hear from other agencies but the timing was tight and we didn't have much options. 

It was basically down to me saying yes or no. 

My head flew back and forth, "I don't want to go home and sit, I want to travel" , "But I want to push myself, this is taking the easy way out " , "I loved Tokyo, maybe it will be ok." , "But it's not just about making money!"

This internal conflict went on for a few days until I decided 

"No."

It wasn't right. It didn't feel right. Every time I got an email about it my stomach turned. I am in Shanghai with the best agency, going to Singapore with one of the best, I didn't want to take a step down now. Yes, it does mean I will have to work a heck of a lot harder. But I'd rather say no, and push myself to get where I need to go than say yes and settle, simply for the sake of somewhere else to go. 

So with that being said I will now be returning to Canada in October.

It may only be for a week and then I could be off again

It may be for another six months.

It may be in Duncan 

Or possibly Vancouver.

I haven't quite gotten that far. That's the thing with this industry, it changes everyday. You can never look too far ahead. 

For now, I have 2 days left in Shanghai until I head out to the fabulous location of Singapore. 

Change is good.

Ky.xo

Ps. What really helped me sit and make my decision was this incredible piece by one of my favorite composers Ludovico Einaudi

If this doesn't sit and boil inspiration in your soul I don't know what will. Please, take a moment, close your eyes and listen.